New home

For reasons I can't explain, I will be moving my blog to

Otium Cum Dignitate

...

I remember being taken out of school early because my great-grandmother had died when I was in the 7th grade. I remember leaving school, going home to change into fancy clothes, and driving the 2 hours to Jacksonville, Alabama for the visitation.
I had never been to a funeral before, or a visitation, I just knew that Grandmother had died. I remember walking into the funeral home, and following my parents into this room where people were lined up to talk to Grandad and some other family members. The line was slow, and as we slowly moved toward the front of the line, I noticed a box. Didn't know what the box was for, because I'd never been to a funeral. Suddenly we were upon the box, and inside the box was the deceased body of Grandmother, right there. I had no warning, no prior knowledge, no prep time. There I was, in front of the dead body.
And scarred.

So, this week has been rough. My mother's father died, and so of course there are visitations and funerals to attend. The celebration of a life is cathartic, therapeutic. The time set aside for friends and family to show their love and support for those who are no longer with us is special.

But for me, the laying out of the deceased for me to view is disturbing. I know that some people need to see that person in the casket for it to be "real" for them. I know that some get a feeling of relief knowing they are resting peacefully etc. But there is something messed up about dead bodies on display to me.

That is definitely not the last memory I want of Papa.

Frog on my Toe

poppa, i know
there's a frog on my toe
maybe i'll call him jethro
maybe i'll grow up to be
wise, as good as he
and maybe i'll come back after you're long gone

poppa, i'm sure
the worms have eaten you now
and jethro's been on some frenchy's plate long ago
now i'm pretty sure that i listen to every word
'cause i still hear you telling me still

"slap them boys when they're naughty
make them crawl, make you haughty
make you strong, little girl
you paint them toes the reddish color
and you know one day
you're gonna be bigger than a flea
you're gonna be bigger than that old poison ivy tree"

now i'm pretty sure
that i think you'd come and visit
and talk sometimes kinda like gidget
a funny little chance like an indian brave
he said "we all grew fat when the white man came."
but one day, girl, you're gonna learn
to make 'em crawl
make 'em grow tall
but have the grace
to be a lady with disgrace
and you fry them taters
and you make them with lady's hands
and know you're my pappy's baby

-Tori Amos

Overwhelmed

7 years ago, while I was working at Ruby Tuesday one Sunday, something compelled me to look at the dog listings in the classifieds. I wanted a companion, but I wasn't sure what kind I wanted. So I was going to look at some dogs to see.

I found an add for a 4 month old Jack Russell Terrier. I went to visit the lady with the dog, to find that she was keeping the puppy in a guinea pig cage all day long while she was at work because the dog was "too hyper". The dog didn't even have room to stand up inside the cage. Something in me took over, and I bought the dog right then. Yes she was hyper, and she was a mess because she had never gotten any attention. That poor puppy. I brought her home, renamed her Tallulah.

We had some great walks around the neighborhood. We visited with my roommates families dog, and with my family and the family dog. I couldn't get her house trained to save my life, but I was trying really hard. One lazy weekday morning before I had to work, the dog and I were lounging in the sunshine on my bed. When I noticed that she'd peed in her sleep on the bed, something she hadn't done in awhile. She'd done that in the past several times, but things had gotten better.
Well, i changed the bed clothes (and my clothes), and we went back to sleep. A little while later she'd done the same thing.
I changed the stuff again, got back on the bed, and made Tallulah sleep on my chair. she peed on the chair. 3 more times in an hour. While she was asleep. So i took her to the vet because the vet tech thought she had an infection.

The vet looked around with an ultra sound and it turned out that Tallulah basically had no kidney function. They gave her 5 or less years to live.

My mom eventually took my dog in because I had to work and be at school too much to give Tallulah the attention she so needed. 5 years went by, and Tallulah was as healthy as any dog ever was because mom made sure she only ate things that were easy on the kidneys.

Earlier this week, Tallulah's health took a turn for the worse. Her kidneys were finally failing her, after years of fighting so hard and becoming a really wonderful dog, despite the first 4 months of her life being spent in a cage.

Mom took Tallulah to the vet this morning to, well, make things better for Talullah.

After 7 years of kickin' it hardcore, and fighting for her life, Tallulah's kidneys were gone and now so is she.

I always thought that I would be over a few things by "adulthood".

I thought I would be over the horrid relationships that girls have with other girls in their adolescence. I think this affects my relationships still. I have a hard time being "real" with most people. I'm guarded, and have a hard time trusting.

I thought I would be over the daddy issues I've harbored since adolescence.

I also thought that I would know "who I was" by this point in my life. I have no clue.

I can't help but be morose lately. I feel that my mother is extremely unhappy. I feel that everything she has worked so hard to keep together is falling apart between her fingers. I'm helpless.

Her father is deteriorating at a rapid pace, and his care is left in the hands of her mother, who cannot be expected to take on the burdens she endures daily.

I
am
helpless

The ATL

If I could travel all the time, I think I would.

Chris and I just returned from a great trip to the ATL! We took my sister and her friend to see Tom Petty in concert, and then spent two nights with my uncle and his partner in their extremely cool downtown ATL condo.

Unfortunately the concert was rainy and soggy and at times a little cold, but overall the show was excellent. My sister had a great time, and that was the point. This trip was her birthday present, so she's what mattered!
After the concert, we crashed at the condo, and slept kinda late on Thursday. We visited the World of Coca-Cola, and I have to admit, that was pretty neat. It was a bit cheesy, but cool. I really enjoyed tasting all the different soft drinks from around the world. Taiwan has an Apple Kiwi Fanta that is excellent! It needs to be here. Yum!

Then we met up with the Uncle Larry and Adrian for dinner at a great little hole-in-the-wall restaurant, Six Feet Under. It was across from the Oxford Cemetery in old Atlanta, and it looked like a total dive! What a great place, though. I had some fish stew, and it was fabulous! Then we took a trip to Little Five Points, and did some vintage clothes browsing, junk store shopping, and searching for that one cool record at a used music store. It rained there, too, but we managed! After a quick trip to Trader Joes, we went back to the condo, cooked some snacks and talked for hours. Wonderful evening with some wonderful people that I just don't get to see enough.

Today we went to eat at another little hole-in-the-wall type place, The Flying Biscuit. It was somewhere I've wanted to go forever, and it was really a fantastic brunchey breakfast! Yum!

Then we spent too much time in Ikea, and some time at fancy pants mall in Atlanta. Now we're home, and I already am dreading the "back to the grind" that comes with the return of a trip.

Happy Independence Day

This day is not about prosaic ideas of "freedom" or "the right to bear arms" or whatever.

This day is about celebrating the incredible achievement of our countries founding fathers.

It's also a day that has been so cheapened and commercialized that the real spirit is completely lost on the masses. It makes me a little sad.

It's a day so cheapened that many businesses don't even bother to close. So cheapened that many people just celebrate it as a great excuse to drink beer and watch some fireworks. So cheapened that many people don't even know why we celebrate on July 4th. (proven by a Jay Leno "on the street" segment I saw a couple of years ago.)

I don't mind working on this day, don't get me wrong. What I do have a problem with is how the focus is no longer on the accomplishment of our forefathers. What they did was so incredible and had never been done in history before. What was simply an uprising of a british colony ended as an inspirational event that shocked the world and led the way for more human rights and freedom for people all over. What our founding fathers did was create a country where you could speak your mind, live your life how you chose, and didn't have to worry about being thrown in the dungeon or shipped to another continent just for going to a different church than the government.

If we aren't careful, those things that our founding fathers risked their lives, and the lives of their families, for will be washed down the drain. Our current government walks all over those ideals wantonly and sadly, in the name of religion. Something our founding fathers would NEVER have wanted.

So today, remember that you stand where you stand, believing ANYTHING your heart desires without fearing for your life or the life of your family because a handful of men wanted a country where religion and government were separate.