Wednesday, January 30, 2008

on moments

I think that sometimes I forget how important little moments with Chris are until we have the little moments.

Whether those be moments walking around while grocery shopping or moments while having bits of marital intimacy, those times are so important to the feelings that give me life and energy.

Connecting with him on that level brings my day up to a different level. It's so easy to just let go and have a moment or two with him, and I take them for granted.

I take him for granted sometimes.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Tabula nothing!

I have fought within myself for years to believe that people are inherently good inside - and that all people should be given completely clean slates at first (not skeptical slates). ˆTabula rasaˆI say.

My instinct says that I should trust no one (Moulder, anyone?), my heart says everyone is good.

But, I was confronted with that tonight at work. At 10:10, when I'm kicking people out and locking doors to get the heck out of dodge, this middle aged woman comes in and starts loitering. I politely tell her that it's time for us to lock our doors (at this point we're already taking machines apart and pouring things out) and that I need her to leave. She starts giving me some sob story and says that she just needs something to drink. So, after a little hot chocolate, we make her a hot chocolate.

While she's paying for said hot chocolate, she starts asking my girl behind the register, S, what year it is! Poor S! She handled it really well. But then she freaked out. So, the crazy lady starts loitering some more, and sits down in a chair. I tell her again that it's time for her to leave that we need to lock our doors she stays in the chair and starts asking me for a cigarette, and then she sort of insinuated that she would like some weed, as well. WTF?!?

So, she gets up and asks me for a cup of water because she's been in the hospital and she woke up with nothing on her and she doesn't know where she is. So I make her a cup of water, and she then sits down at another table! At this point E is calling the cops, and I'm like directing this chick to the door. But, before she starts asking for cigarettes and stuff, E asks me if she wants me to call the cops. I was hesitant because I wanted to trust the chick. But it was obvious something was iffy about her.

It makes me think that if E wasn't so quick to cut out the bullshit, what would have happened? Would I have waited until it got really freaky before I did something? I have no idea. But, it makes me not want to trust anyone. Ever. Tabula

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Delayed reaction

Today in my car on the way home from work, I broke down about something that happened 3 and a half years ago.

I don't know why it took so long for me to come to terms with it, but it has. I am more depressed now that I was then - maybe I just pushed it aside until it couldn't be pushed anymore, or maybe the level of maturity is higher now? I have no idea. But it sucks

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The rise and fall...

When looking at an issue historically, any historian worth their weight will address a problem socially, politically and economically.

If you're separated enough by time from the situation, a historian might be able to address an entire civilization by those terms - like one might about the Roman Empire, or the Middle Ages, or even the Renaissance. It's even possible to look at the Russian Revolution on those terms and say "here are these social, political and economic problems that gave rise to this situation."

But, and this is probably because I've been trained to look back, not presently or foward, I have a hard time looking at where we stand right now and saying "here are the social political and economic problems that have given rise to the situation we are in here in the US right now." I can't look back and see what caused the political climate to be so moved by a woman tearing up (heaven forbid!), or by the fact that one candidate might not be a "good christian american", and might be something else entirely, or why are we polarized by the issue of gay marriage or abortion? Why do we focus on these (seemingly huge, but honestly) minor issues in politics that are so menial and day-to-day? Why aren't we, on the other hand, focusing on economic policy, creating a climate for success in all walks of life, foreign policy? Why are the small issues the ones to focus on? Why are we so focused on religion and religious issues and the emotional state of a woman in a state of stress?

Why do more people care about those issues than the fact that our economy is falling fast? Or that our dollar is so weak that canadian has caught up? Why are we so concerned with stem cell research that we aren't even paying attention when a presidential candidate wants to talk about fixing the deficit, or overhauling health care for the people's benefit not the corporations, or how to handle foreign issues without sending bombs and troops?

I am afraid to think about how I will one day look back at the climate of my 20's - politically, socially, and economically - and have to teach that to future children and students. Will these kids stand up and say "What the hell were you guys doing, then?" Will I have to say "oh, we were text messenging eachother LOLcats?" or "We were too busy listening to our iPods"? Will I even get the chance to share it at all?

The Roman empire rose and it fell over thousands of years - the the US has only taken 250 years to make and destroy itself.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

well, inside my head is simply cloudy

I finished the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert last night. I didn't know what to expect from this book. I saw it on Oprah, and thought that Ms. Gilbert was a very dynamic person, and I was curious what exactly she had to say. But, the more I saw women on Oprah thinking that they needed to do exactly what this woman did to find her meaning in life to find their own, the more I didn't want to read the book.

But, I put it on my christmas list, and it was the first thing I read after Christmas.

Her writing style is so wonderful and understandable. It's as if she's sitting with you, talking about her life experiences as a dearest friend. As she shares her lowest moments, you can hear the hope in her tone. As she shares her most beautiful moments, you can almost hear the exhalation of contentment. She is uplifting and refreshing to read.

I am reminded of something Ms. Gilbert said on Oprah one day...
She said that she certainly didn't think that everyone needed to hit the lowest of the low, crying for nights on end on the floor of your bathroom in the pits of depression in Ms. Gilbert's case, to find themselves, to find meaning, to find happiness.

In the books she says that happiness isn't a "luck" event. Happiness is something you create for yourself. It's something you find within yourself.

From this book I take away knowing that peace and meaning and happiness is there for everyone, that it isn't something that you necessarily find in religion, or church, or a god - but it can be. It isn't something that has to do with "success" (what is success really?) or money, or stage in life, or labels, or education. Or it is something that has to do with those things, that it's completely up to what is inside your own head, not what's inside the heads of those around you.